When we begin to let go of guilt, we learn that, although we are not responsible for what happened in our childhood, we are responsible for our present and future. I relate it to the process of dying and coming back to life. Shortly after my disclosure, I hit rock bottom. Even though no one reacted in the negative way that I had expected and feared for so long, just by coming out with it, I was forced to realise ‘wait. That was me.’ I had learnt to switch off that part of me that could feel from a young age, because it was the only way I could ‘cope’. I’m sure many survivors can relate to this. But when the words came tumbling out, it was as if someone had spliced my mind and my body back together. I mourned for my childhood and how I had been robbed of my innocence by the one man in the world who any little girl should be able to trust unconditionally. Such a realisation had me depressed for a long time. Thankfully – and I’m not sure where the turning point was exactly (perhaps it was seeing the look on my abuser’s face when he received his sentence) – I realised that I had now, an incredible opportunity.

They say that every challenge is an opportunity in disguise. I agree with this to a point. I also agree that there is only so much any one person can take. Like a tree that’s been chopped down to its trunk, how can it ever hope to grow back? Adults who have been abused as children often feel this sense of hopelessness, like it’s too late for them to reclaim their lives. Our base values, the foundations of our entire character, are laid down when we are children, like frying an egg. You can’t un-fry an egg, if it burns, you can’t go back and do it differently. But I can only speak my truth from my own experiences, as someone whose childhood egg was most definitely burnt. Without intending to make light of your past, I instead suggest an alternative philosophy: that those who can adapt will survive.

It’s proven in nature and it’s exemplified in our society. Life’s winners are those who have had to deal with adversity and hardship, and have succeeded in doing so. Life’s losers are those who have been irreparably crippled by their experiences to the point of causing damage to themselves and whoever comes into their care (such as their children). I’m not just talking about child abuse here; I’m talking about any kind of adversity where the individual has truly been to the edge of their capacity to cope, and have then stepped back from it and said ‘you know what? I’m gonna overcome this.’

I’ve noticed that a lot of famous people have come from unfortunate backgrounds. Equally, a lot of people who have come from unfortunate backgrounds never make it out of the generation cycle, passing on their dysfunction to their children. It seems to go one way or the other; I don’t think that a person who has been abused as a child (or come up against some other trauma) ever goes on to lead an unremarkable life. Just look at Oprah, and then wonder if that metaphorical tree stump of your childhood can’t grow back after all.

I do think that there are some extreme scenarios in life where one really doesn’t stand a chance. Being born into severe poverty is one of them.

Child abuse, in the Western world, is not.

So, for once, those of us who have been abused have a choice: recover... Or repeat. Do you know what recovery implies? To me, it implies that we become willing to change our lives and those of the next generation for the better. We’re ready to stop being a victim and work towards becoming a survivor.

So we will... Go for help, see a counsellor, take part in group therapy, reach out and find other sources of support, read books on the subject, become educated on what we’re dealing with, focus on our own needs, let go of guilt, see our goals as important, realise that we deserve to be happy.

That is just a hodgepodge of suggestions. I’ve done all of them. There is no shame in identifying that you have a problem, and every kind of glory in courageously facing it. It’s not easy, and reclaiming our sense of self-worth is a constant uphill struggle. But for those of us who can do it... We are invincible. We have suffered because of circumstances entirely out of our control, but in adulthood we have the opportunity to reclaim much of what was taken from us.

"Experience is not that which happens to a man; it is what a man does with that which happens to him"
-Aldous Huxley